When bad days hit hard
A couple things I've realised about myself
The Struggle of Bad Days
Some days are worse than others. Some days, the most vibrantly beautiful things in life are dull and joyless to your eyes. I don’t like feeling this way. It makes me think I’m ungrateful, as though I’m not seeing things clearly. That is indeed true. I’m well aware of the fact that when everything looks and feels terrible, it is a state of mind. There is no way around it. It’s true. But just saying that doesn’t change the feeling, unfortunately, and it doesn’t make it any less real.
Disappointment and Self-Criticism
Where does this feeling come from? Well, it has many different sources. It could be a bad relationship, money problems, work—you name it. For me, it comes from one place: disappointment. Disappointment in myself mostly. Disappointment in feeling like I’m not moving forward in life or achieving the things I’ve set in my sights. There are moments when this feeling can be overwhelming. I suffer from trying to do too many things at the same time and having high expectations of myself. I can be my harshest critic.
I don’t speak negatively over myself. Instead, if I don’t catch myself, I’ll let comparison wash over me, drenching me in self-doubt and numbing inferiority complex, soaking into my very bones. A lot of the time, I don’t even notice it happening. But I feel it—that invisible ruler I try to measure myself by, the heavy weight of internal expectations and external achievements. I still battle to find the balance between pursuing dreams, looking forward into the future, while maintaining a grounded, grateful sense of the present.
The Illusion of Social Media
It’s just that some days, I feel all too human—a fragile flower in the field, unremarkable and unseen, one of billions. I know what it’s like to go into work a little distracted and creatively drained, where the day comes and goes in a moment, and yet simultaneously feels like it took forever. You lay there that evening at home thinking, “Did I even do anything?” I know I’m not the only one who rides these waves of emotion. But it can be a very lonely feeling.
Isn’t it crazy that we are living at a time when people are supposedly more connected than ever, and yet it’s so easy to feel isolated? Social media paints a different picture of life, one of constant adventure, beauty, and satisfaction. Even the sad stories are somehow intriguing and a little more interesting than my own life. I spend a lot of time on my phone because of the nature of my work and the dreams I’m working towards. It’s quite remarkable how much of my life is tied to my phone.
Seeking Balance
I sense in myself a desire to connect with the real. Nowadays, it’s so easy to lose that connection. I want to read books more consistently—real, tangible ones. To have more space in my day when I pull away from the endless content being shoved down my throat by an algorithm that has learned my likes and dislikes. Just when I think I’ve had enough internet for one day, the perfect video pops up on my feed.
Having said all that, I’m beginning to wonder how much of these negative feelings are exacerbated by social media. As a content creator, I do live in the world of judging the content I make based on the likes and views I get, and the emotional rollercoaster that can generate. That is a completely separate subject that I might tackle later, and I am working through. In this case, I’m talking about the entire world being at your fingertips. As far as we know, humans have never had this kind of window into other humans' lives.
I can imagine that psychologically, when thinking about evolution, a sense of competition and a dash of envy were good for humanity. It pushed us forward. Out-competing was growth, broadly speaking. But I also imagine that this took place in smaller communities. From hunter-gatherers to small villages to towns. Even after the Industrial Revolution when the growth of cities was exponential, you still didn’t have anywhere near the level of connection and insight into other people’s lives like we have now.
Embracing Gratitude
Today, you’re able to see individuals and families from all over the world who are seemingly living a much better life than you are now. They’re making more money. They’re happier. More educated. They have better relationships. The important word here is “seemingly.” But that’s beside the point. I think some of these attitudes wash over us passively. Before we know it, we have an inferiority complex, and our lives feel like dog shit in comparison to what others are broadcasting. Multiple studies have found a strong link between heavy social media use and an increased risk for depression, anxiety, loneliness, and self-harm. That is insane.
This isn’t me slam dunking on social media. I am part of it. But luckily for me, I was born in 1992, so I remember a time when phones were not as all-consuming. I once proudly rocked the Nokia 3310. So I think a part of my mind simply wants some of the peace that came from not being chained to the digital world. This is me admitting that as much as I do appreciate social media, as much as I know that it has its uses, I’m finally starting to feel the burden of it. The push to create—not what I want—but what could get the most views.
When I feel overwhelmed, I like to walk around my beautiful city sometimes. It helps me take my eyes off myself for a bit. That subtle reminder that there is more to look at than my own emotions. That sounds pretty self-absorbed. Yes, that is correct. It is. Climbing out of this hole does have some level of: “I’m taking myself a little too seriously.”
Life is flexible and dynamic. I can’t tell you how many times it has surprised me in ways I would never have guessed. We need to have a sense of open-handedness when it comes to dealing with our lives. Yes, we can work towards the things we want, but sometimes we can develop an inner rigidity that makes it difficult for us to flow with the winds of life.
I find that when I’m at my worst emotionally, I’ve actively stopped looking for beauty in my life. I’m so focused on a future that doesn’t exist. I’m comparing myself with the things I’ve seen and heard. A number of “shoulds” circle my mind: I should be wealthier. I should be healthier. I should, I should, I should. This rigid, self-hating mentality is not good for me. If you’ve heard what I’ve said and you can see yourself in my words, then it’s not good for you either.
So, let’s remember a few basic things to help us temper these random waves of feeling like crap. No one can, ever has, or ever will experience life the way that you do. You are unique. Your growth and evolution are yours alone. Therefore, comparing yourself to others (to find meaning) is meaningless. Remember that most people feel as afraid, confused, and disappointed as you do at times. No one really understands this thing we call life. We’re all on a planet floating around in space. We’re all a bit unsure.
Let’s remember to be intentional about taking time away from social media so that we can engage with the real world. When we are on social media, it’s important for us to be painfully aware that we are watching other human beings. Things are usually not as good as people portray them.
Lastly, let us not forget to practice gratitude. Yes, I’ve given a somewhat sober view of life. But there is another side to this, a remarkable, mind-melting side. Existence is incomprehensible. The fact that you are alive is a miracle. Perhaps we need to work a little harder to remind ourselves of that. We’ve been given life and freedom. We can make of it anything we wish. We’re like children in a playground. But being grateful also extends to the little things. Perhaps you have an apartment you love, good friends, the ability to hear, see, and touch. You love your job. The list goes on.
We can always find something to be grateful for. A grateful heart creates a happy life.