Why (and how) I stopped drinking alcohol

Embracing Change and Finding True Confidence

Alcohol was once very important to me. A party without something to drink often wasn’t a party worth going to. It seemed very strange to me for people to willingly forego this liquid that acted as the lubricant to the spinning wheels of social interactions. It made things easier. It turned the dullest conversations into exciting affairs. Boring events would turn into intriguing enterprises after a couple of drinks. When you’re riding the wave of intoxication, you might even find yourself attracted to people you would otherwise not be drawn to.

This was my story since I was 23 years old. Seven months ago, I stopped completely. Yes, even while living in Finland, a country with the reputation of having heavy drinkers. I want to explain how I concluded that stopping was the best thing for me, and how my life has changed since then.

Why Do We Drink?

There are a few reasons why people drink. One of them is the fact that it feels quite good. It causes our bodies to produce extra dopamine, which travels to the parts of the brain known as 'reward centers'—the bits that make us feel good and make us want to do more of whatever we're doing. Feeling good makes you more confident. Feeling confident makes it easier to interact with people and/or lessen the burden of life for a brief moment in time. It just chills you out.

One method I could always rely on to connect with people in this strange country was alcohol. The quietest and most reserved person can be turned into a motormouth. This isn’t specific to Finland, of course. This country has a reputation for having a lot of heavy drinkers, which is quite funny because it’s not even in the top 10. It’s far below places like the UK, Germany, and Latvia, which is currently number one. I think people here simply have a different drinking culture, which makes it look way more extreme than it actually is.

Where I’m from—South Africa—you drink whenever. It’s not uncommon to have a beer with your lunch. We tend to actually enjoy the taste of beer for taste's sake, and not simply for the way it makes you feel after a couple. I’m going to take a moment to complain about the beer selection in this country. I’m sorry, but the main ones served in most bars are simply not very good. To add insult to injury, the cheaper the beer, the worse it tastes. When people come together to drink cheap, horrible-tasting beer, I don’t think conversation or the enjoyment of beer is the priority. The main reason for the gathering is to get drunk. It’s pre-planned and penned into the calendar. I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with it. It’s just a difference of culture. Things are a lot more spontaneous in South Africa, for example. You go out with friends for dinner. You eat while drinking some wine or beer, and then one thing naturally leads to another. Before you know it, you’re at some bar or club—pretty hammered and having a good time.

In Finland, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen young people eating while drinking. It seems like when you go out drinking with friends here, the point is the drinking—the getting drunk. If I were to paint broad strokes, I would explain it like this: In a lot of other places, the drinking is quite spread out through the week. Here, it’s concentrated during the weekend. People throw back beers to make up for the days during the week they didn’t drink. So on the weekend, you see a lot of extremely inebriated folk. People see that and reckon that Finns are drunks, which is not true. In fact, I think young people are consuming less alcohol.

How I Fell into the Drinking Culture

I allowed myself to be pulled into that culture for a while. Like I said, it was a useful tool to overcome the whispers of social anxiety. But I stopped drinking completely. It’s been about seven months as of recording this. But why did I stop, and how did I stop?

To answer that question, I’m going to have to flesh out why I was drinking in the first place. Then we’ll get to the “how.”

Alcohol was never a problem in my family. I grew up pretty poor, so the idea of using money on it never made sense. Getting food to feed a family of seven (five kids and the parents) was way more important. When I was young, I remember my parents buying wine or beer on special occasions. It signified a moment of abundance in our household. Even as a youngling, my folks would still give me a little. I developed positive associations with it. I still didn’t go out seeking it. I had a brief run-in with alcohol when I was in high school, but it was never a way of life.

Things started changing after my 23rd birthday. I was mostly a “good boy” until then. On this particular day, I finished work and had a lot on my mind. I was stressed and anxious. So I decided to go sit at a bar and order a beer. It was a warm day, like most days in Durban, South Africa. A cold, huge glass of golden, foaming liquid was placed in front of me. It was beautiful. I took a big sip and everything made sense. My breathing slowed and my shoulders hunched in relaxation. I eventually finished the entire beer and was greeted by a gentle lift of emotions and a slight buzz in my head. It was pleasant. 

From that day on, going for a beer after work became a ritual of sorts. I must say, I loved it. I found that I could talk to other random people because we were both drinking beer, and that was enough of a connection to have a conversation. The one beer turned into three beers. The slight buzz turned into a more pronounced euphoric sway, like being on a ship. At this point, any communication barriers were completely removed. Everyone around me was a friend. I felt myself becoming more confident. In fact, I was drinking confidence itself. It gave me something I felt I didn’t possess on my own.

As time went on, I made friends who also enjoyed frequenting bars. After-work beers evolved to include weekend drinking. Then drinking itself became associated with everything fun. Oh, you want to have a BBQ at my place? Might as well drink too. It’s your birthday? I’ll bring some wine. Want to play some video games? Sure, I’ll bring a six-pack. This was not extreme in any shape or form. It was life in general. Everyone was doing it. Why would anyone willingly not drink? I was flabbergasted whenever I met such a person.

I want to highlight the fact that this was pretty normal for a lot of people. It was socially acceptable. You could indeed manage to hold down a life while living this way.

Things evolved further when I became a full-time musician. At that point, drinking was a part of the job. Many of the venues I would perform at would also offer booze as part of the compensation package. Performing at music festivals or traveling to other parts of the country always included alcohol. It was expected.

Now, the picture I’m painting makes it sound as though I was always drunk. This is not true. I was able to keep my life together. There were many times when I would just have one or two. Getting drunk wasn’t my main goal. I simply associated booze with fun and connection. I could survive just fine without it. I did so, often. But a part of me always thought that whatever I was doing would be a tiny bit better with a drink in my hand.

Watch the Youtube video here

A New Life in Finland

Now fast forward to me moving to Finland. I’m new and I hardly have any friends. On top of that, the people living here are reserved and withdrawn in comparison to what I was used to. Finding a bar to frequent was the easy solution. You know what? It kind of worked. There were some glaring differences, though. One of them was the fact that it was expensive. Another was that the culture was different. Drinking wasn’t something that added to the fun. It was the fun. The more someone drank, the more open they would become.

Now combine that with being in a difficult relationship, missing home, feeling lonely, and you get someone who started finding a lot of relief being at the bar. To be clear, it didn’t mean I drank a lot. It’s expensive out here. That was simply my scene. But every time I happened to have a bender of a night, the mornings were always horrible. I didn’t like the way it made me feel. I felt like my life was becoming all about having short-lived fun in the present. The hangovers also lasted much longer. But by far the worst feeling is knowing the night is coming to an end.

That existential look into the dark future when you’re stumbling back home alone. The tool I used for connection now sometimes left me feeling lonely and isolated. I also found it difficult to be creative. Then one day, I decided to stop. It was prompted by an evening when I was out and quite tipsy. I had a visceral look at myself. As though I stepped out of my body and looked at myself. I was loud and slurring my words and saying the stupidest things. At that moment, I knew this had to be the last time.

Embracing Sobriety

My biggest worry was: what will I do for fun? Regardless of that, I decided to begin by watching a ton of videos about the health effects of alcohol. What it does to the brain, the liver, the emotions. At that time, I was already starting to become a lot more focused on my health. So it was a natural progression.

What is a hangover? What does drinking often do to the body and mind? The answers I got were shocking, to say the least. I was hurting myself. I found that researching the negative side effects and seeing how it directly opposed my current life goals helped strengthen my resolve. But listen, this is life. We all do a bunch of things that are probably not great for us. “Alcohol bad” isn’t what I’m going for in this blog. I’m sure it’s possible to drink responsibly. But for me, alcohol had transformed itself in my psyche. It was no longer the thing I used every now and then to add to my fun. It too often wanted to take center stage. It more and more stood opposed to my goals: the health, financial, and creative ones. I rebelled against being controlled.

But the most important reason I stopped is because I wanted change. Every evening out began to feel the same. The people I met in those environments were the same. That’s no disrespect to the people who are there. They are perhaps going through a different season of life. For me, it was a reaction to what was happening inside. The season of going out to bars and seeking connection from there was coming to an end. My soul was craving something deeper and more meaningful. I didn’t want to be stuck in my old habits and perhaps block myself from walking into new experiences simply because I wanted to stay in my comfort zone.

The Impact of not drinking

I want to be very clear—stopping did not fix all my problems. Life is still life. But it fixed some. I found that I had to learn how to be truly confident because I didn’t have the liquid courage to give me a little boost or slightly dull any anxiety I might be feeling at the time. I feel like I’m a lot more focused on my goals. Short-term momentary fun is not the most important thing to me anymore. I have learned to value my time and energy. Some of the positive effects are: I have lost a lot of weight. I feel lighter and healthier. My mind feels sharper. I seemingly enjoy spending time with myself even more than I used to.

I know I was talking about alcohol in this blog, but this can be superimposed on anything else you feel is taking from you. The lie that we tell ourselves is that we can never change. That we are set in our ways and are doomed to make the same mistakes for the rest of our lives. Or to repeat the mistakes our parents made. This is not true. You are a dynamic human being with a unique genome that will never be replicated. So don’t sell yourself short. You can do and be whatever you put your mind towards. Heck, even when your mind is doubting, you can still create habits that slowly move you in the direction you want to go.

If there is anything you learn from this blog, it’s this: You are the captain of your own ship. You have the authority and power to change the direction you want it to go.